Dear Beyonce,

Hey girl! What’s up?! How’s Blu Ive doing? Good, I hope. She’s probably getting so big - how exciting!! Anyways, just wanted to say thanks for all the good music; I can’t believe it’s been 15 years since “No, No, No: Part 2” was released. I still love that song now just as much as I did when I was 12 years old. Although, now that I’m almost 30, I feel like I need to ask you a few things before we move any further in our relationship.

First, did you know that the only guys that like “Independent Women” are broke shit less? It’s true, B. Maybe you can you “write” that song?

Additionally, you didn’t really put too much emphasis on the lyric “I worked hard and sacrificed to get what I get, Ladies it ain’t easy being independent.” But in hindsight, your dad, Matthew Knowles, was the one sacrificing and you just threw all of your friends under the bus when times got hard. What was THAT about?

Second, why did Michelle always get the wack third verse? Specifically, in “Soldier,” 5 out of the 7 terribly written lines all ended with the word “tonight” and came AFTER Lil’ Wayne’s weird verse; did you decide that?

And why is your hair always straight and blonde when you have an album to promote but when you’re on vacation it’s black or braided or lookin like something straight outta Erykah Badu’s wig cabinet? 

Also, remember on “Fuck Wit Dre Day” how Snoop Dogg used the word “Bootylicious” to describe Eazy E’s rap style? Yeah, us too. Curious as to why you would want to take credit for making up that word.

Anyways, let me know!

Hope to hear from you soon,

Marcella Arguello. 

P.S. Tell your dad to put together a new singing girl group and put it on a reality television show called, “Father Knowles Best!”